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| Perhaps the reason why I don’t write unreservedly anymore is because writing has always been my dejection outlet. Somehow, making my illogical thoughts freeze in ink was the exact median I needed to realize that I was trivializing life. I am exhausted of cryptically writing about you as a feeble attempt to get into your mind, your heart. You were supposed to be the simple one. Good intentions are not needed here, and they certainly aren't missed if there is such a concept of memory versus conscious mind.
I remember closing my eyes, stretched across the backseat of your car. I closed my eyes seeing if the turns, the time, the speed, would all add up, if I could tell which direction I was in just by the way I felt things moving. I feel that now. The shift of life under my feet. We've made a left towards “never being able to go back” and another towards “this isn’t really a dream”. My stance in the road is changing, but I can finally assert that I am now at the point where I never want to get stuck in reverse again. I’m never going to be younger than I am right now. I want to close my eyes and be able to feel where I am. free yoga friday. oovoo conferences. soaking in the vitamin d, palms up. sex, drugs, and rock and roll. favorite tree on campus. vegan food just cause its vegan. ugly clothes parties. Wildcat Youth Mentor program. the fact that my volleyball team's name is child please. emailing. sober saturday. running and singing through college woods with alicia. real friends. studying hard and reaping the results. pat. november seventh. justin bieber. listening to spilt needles a million times on repeat. the bloggy blog. windham junciton updates on the daily. being away from my family but feeling closer to them than ever. frantic walmart trips. watching paige teach andrew ballet. unh for one. letting go of you. breathing you in. williamson vs. christensen capture the flag. hookah hookah hookah. kara finlay and her nicknames. wings your way. boxed wine. the dimond library. fully understanding antamoy and physiology. kicking you in the shins harder than neccessary ever time i see you. driving to buffalo over christmas break. crunch sessions on the fourth floor. cupcakes and coloring to relieve stress. not letting the fact that you bought ear plugs/ make mute people look chatty bother me. nikita our potential pup. 7 dollar bus ticket to the bean. no longer writing in the flower journal. white teeth. chab goes to blue man group. memorial union building. taking care of you instead of the inverse. griz. my north carolinia girl. feeling the urge to check my mail everytime i am in a 1000 foot radius of the mub. beth stewart. text messages that say "send me a telopathic message, im really nervous." scotoberfest. the fact that you still dont talk to me, but I can finally see that i didn't so anything to deserve the silence. u2. refrain. | | |
| You- I hope my incoherent blunder didn’t burn any bridges with you. In some strange way, my mistake brought me to the realization of how much I need you in my life. You get me. I can talk to you for hours about everything and nothing all at once, and I don’t want our relationship to ever lose that effortlessness. You and your school and your crew are perfect, and I am certain that you are going to reach great heights in your new home. You- I love our emailing routine. For some strange reason, emailing you on the daily is the exact median that I need to spill my guts over cyber space without having to sensor myself. For once, I don’t think. Having you as an outlet is something that I have already come to rely on and look forward to. I know we are going to stay in contact. I love hearing all about your escapades in Rochvegas, and I promise that I will never forget your face ever again. You- You are a constant reminder of a state of mind I never want to get trapped in again. Whenever I see you, I am taken back to that horrible season, and all the memories that I had managed to repress come flooding back. Leave my life forever. You- You’re so far away, yet I feel like we are making it work. Every single day we communicate on some level or another, and I need that. Thank you for still being my best friend and convincing me that I am right even when I am so obviously in the wrong. October 9th can’t come soon enough. You- I spend so much time with you and I don’t think that’s a good thing. Whenever I am around you, toxic thoughts run fervent throughout my mind. You don’t support any of my interests outside partying. Yet although I recognize all of this to be true, I love you. We get ourselves into messy situations that make for morning glory stories. I wish I could make you aware that you deserve so much more than him, but you are so blinded by love that you are constantly sacrificing yourself for someone who doesn’t appreciate you. This year should be interesting. YOU TWO- You are both people who I want to remain in contact with for the rest of my life. We should probably get our shit together and have a skype girltalk sesh soon, but if, there’s always CANADA FEST! Can’t wait to have private, silly conversations that morph into deep metaphysical chats with you ladies soon! You- You are the honesty in my life that I need. You tell me when I am being a shitty roommate, if we need to stay in and do homework, and that I don’t need to settle. Thank you. Neither of us are clingy people in the least bit, and I think that is part of the reason why we click so well. You- I can’t get you out of my mind. I have this strange feeling that our paths will cross again, and that excites me. For the short duration of time that I knew you, so much was exposed that I feel like we have known each other forever. Come back to the U You- I hope you’re happy here. You don’t call me as much as I wish you did, but I have come to the conclusion that I don’t need to see you to understand you. When we do run into each other, it’s as if no time has elapsed. Never do I find the need to sensor myself around you, and I am sorry I wasted last week being mad at you. You- You are going to challenge me as a person. Although I bitch about you constantly, you bring all of my personality faults to the forefront of my mind. I want to impress you. I want us to take care of each other. I want you not to think I’m inconsiderate. I want us to succeed. | | |
| i am seeing you for the first time in three years tomorrow. or today, rather, considering it is august 13th, 2009 and your plane lands in twelve hours. twelve motherfucking hours. i have been trying for the past four weeks to articulate the rush of emotions spiraling around my head, but i haven't been able to find words worthy enough of this monumentous occasion. I'm ecstatic and terrified all at the same time, counting down the minutes yet yearning to put this moment on pause. i can't help but wonder if time will have had any effect on our relationship once we are stripped of the distance. you were my best friend for so long that i can't imagine any awkwardness between us, but what if i am mistaken? what if things go horribly and our reunion trip that we have been meticulously planning for ages is a bust. or what if it goes wonderfully, and i will once again have to say semi-permanently say goodbye to the person who knows me best in this world.
what if.
you were the person i always confided in during turbulent times. maybe its because you were completely bias towards my actions, maybe its because you were too far away for me to worry about my midnight confessions being leaked, maybe its because i knew you truly cared about my well-being. for whatever reason, throughout the duration of high school i entrusted my deepest secrets upon you, and your still here. your support in me has never faltered, which is something that i can't even say about myself.
ah this post was stupid and a complete waste of space, but it was completely necessary. i haven't been this can't-sleep-because-of-anticipation nervous in forever. i cant wait to show you this beautiful place i live in now, as well as the beautiful people i have surrounded myself with. !
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| I had been holding my breath, waiting for it to hit me. I wanted nothing more than all the pieces to come together, for everything to conclude with happiness. But as I edge closer to the end of this daydream, the story bound characters I have been counting on are all slowly dying off. All my batteries are dead. My mind runs on nothing substantial, wake, eat, run, work, read, chill, repeat. I need that exhale of yours in my lungs. I need to be reeled in again. I need to be fooled by your smirk, to be at the mercy of your words. Call me back to that piece of shit Saturn. Play me something I’ve never heard. Just sit and pretend that my company will suffice. what I really need is a new beginning. i also need to write
run
read
buy a computer
hang out with ashley and niki all day evvverryy day
california
sporcle.com
quit my clepto habbitt, except not really
i think i have forgotten how to write xanga style | | |
| This whole winter I feel like I have been measuring life by losses. From the loss of a friend to the complete loss of self-respect, I was defaced so many times. And you just kept shrinking into those shadows like you said you would, pinning me with the incomprehensible realization that you were melting away into that world of nothing but remnants and nostalgia. And that was the one loss that I didn’t think I was capable of handling. So I sought to become all those things I imagined you wishing me to be. My mind became driven on the weightlessness of your implicative words. All along you were suggesting nothing, but shrouded by clouds of fraudulent thought and blue sky I was certain there was some hidden ultimatum that I had yet to uncover. I starved and lied and waited laughed and pretended because I was convinced that in doing so you come back to me. You didn’t, but finally I can see that that’s the best thing you could have done for me. I have discovered that there is nothing that a long drive cant fix. The softness of the morning light filtered through my windows this morning, altering my sadistic perceptions on life and love. Its weird so simple change can be. My recycled emotions had managed to convince me that I would be eternally stuck in this slump, yet somehow everything changed with a rising sun. And so maybe if it didn’t hurt so bad when you left it wouldn’t feel so refreshing driving home alone today. Completely alone, singing cornball love songs at the top of my lungs in between bites of two for 1$ goodness. Completely alone, but at last, content. 
i wont believe your dead unless you’re the one telling me. | | |
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